What is value, and why does it matter? Value is subjective. A value is a value of something, for someone. And it matters because it's vastly misunderstood. You could say, "value's a bitch". Or you could marvel at the beauty of it, and the actual, non-sacrificial options and freedoms it offers you. Either way, the laws of economics are as solid as the rules of gravity or game.

What is a job? A job is when someone gives you money in exchange for something that has value for him. Don't like money? Fine: don't expect someone to give it to you. Think your value as a human being isn't only your value as a worker? Of course not: value is subjective. You might have value for a lot of people for a lot of other reasons. But you don't expect them to pay you a salary, do you?

This is one of the great confusions of today's education system. People will tell you to choose an education, a career, based on whatever has value for you. But that's a confusion of categories. Just because something has value for you, doesn't mean it has value for other people. And if something has no value for other people, why should those people give you money for it? Hmm. Obvious, but not trivial. If you expect people to give you money, you have to give them what they want in exchange for that money. That's it. You can call that moral or immoral, won't change a thing about it. If something has value only for you, it's a hobby, not a job. Wanna study something that's only a hobby? By all means. But please, don't confuse the two.

And don't think your "hobbies" are somehow less egotistical just because you put "effort" or "talent" into them, or because some idiots take them seriously. Your producing sweat by being the fastest runner in the world doesn't create any more value for me than your producing sweat by sunbathing in Hawaii, or by having sex. And I won't pay you a penny for either. Some idiot is ready to pay you for one of these? Good for you. But don't think you have a holy right to expect it, or a holy right to expect a job after sacrificing your youth in studying "gender studies" or "art history".

If you want people to give you money, you have to give them something in return. It's that simple. Think about that when you choose your field of studies. Think about it when you write your resume, when you apply for a job, when you do a job interview, or even when you go into business on your own.

The single good lesson you should take from Breaking Bad:

Do yourself a favor and learn to take yes for an answer.

Accept success. Accept the easiness of life. Be ready to win. Don't expect failure, expect winning. Law of attraction, you-are-what-you-think-about, etc. Remember the frame: expect the world to be like you want it to be.

If life has purpose, great! If life doesn't have purpose, it doesn't make it harder, it makes it easier. If you have a destiny, great! Be happy to fulfill it. If you don't, great! You have absolute freedom to be whoever and whatever the hell you wanna be.

Why would you deny yourself something you want?

Joy, Mad Men

Why would you, indeed? Well...

Ah, the unbearable lightness of being, the unbearable easiness of life. Of course.

Making life harder is one of those great mismatches, like allergies: we're programmed for survival, defense against danger. Action, reaction: threat, response. That's how you operate when you answer your e-mail, when you clean your house. When you go to a wedding, because, you know, "you have to". The passive mode. The bad interpretation of extraversion: having to be surrounded by people to avoid facing yourself.

Filling your life with occupations to avoid thinking. Hmm: have we not yet gone beyond the Calvinist-protestant "work ethic"? Some people seem desperate to make their lives harder, to refuse success, happiness, leisure.

As usual, we have both a gene mismatch and a meme mismatch working in conjuction. The meme mismatch is, people become so accustomed to dealing with failure, it becomes a way of life. They've learned to cope with it so well, to structure their relationships and social life around it, that they end up "enjoying" it, inasmuch as it can be. They revel in it.

The meme mismatch has another aspect: people have become so much trained for accepting effort, pain, sacrifice, as a means towards a longer-term end, that they've become one with the means, while forgetting the end. This is what Cicero tried to warn us against:

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?

– Cicero, de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum, Sec. 1.10.32, 45 BC

This was written before Christianity. Before pain became an accomplishment, guilt a way of life, and poverty a virtue.

It has become so ingrained, that people will even jump at the opportunity to forego whatever arbitrarily defined list of pleasures in this life, or even their life, for a mere promise of pleasures in "another life". Now, call me religiously illiterate, but why would anything be both an end later and a "sin" now? And why would anyone take such a rotten deal?

So why has sacrifice, failure, pain and suffering become so popular?

• Finding excuses for failure is more comfortable than working towards success.

• Pity is easier to win than admiration.

• Pity is farther from resentment than admiration.

• Everyone will shit test you in order to push you to fail.

• Failure is safer: you can't fall down unless you stand up.

But you have to go beyond your genetic and social programming. Hack it. Reprogram yourself. Everyone does it, at some level. But you'll do it consistently, systematically, and unapologetically.

That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.

You can't blame yourself for everything. Of course, some things may be your fault, while others not. And instead of blaming others, you can often do something about a lot of your problems. And yet...

• If someone dumps you, it's their loss, not yours.
• If a relationship doesn't work, it's their failure, not yours.
• If you don't love someone, it's their failure to not have made themselves lovable.
• If someone doesn't love you, it's their failure at seeing your greatness.
• If someone doesn't understand you, it's their failure at understanding you.
• If you don't understand someone, it's their failure at making themselves understandable.
• If someone's angry at you, it's their failure at feeling valid emotions, not your failure in "making" them angry.

Be calm. Be polite. Be understanding and open, kind and curious. Be yourself and live according to your values. Then, whether you get what you want in any given particular case is irrelevant. You can't control everything. Have a system, not a goal. Do your best, but be aware there is a part of randomness, uncertainty, and other people's responsibility: not a me problem.

1. Is this peer group worth impressing?

   Ask yourself that question everyday, ten times a day. All hierarchies are contextual, and not all hierarchies are good. Doing something well does not make it important: being the best in a given hierarchy is irrelevant if that hierarchy is irrelevant. Know your true ends, know your true values. What are their true ends and values?

2. Is this the frame I want to be in?

   Don't get sucked into other people's frames. Choose your own frame. What is the best way in which to see this situation? Why do they see it that way? What are my actual options?

3. Where does my and their confidence come from?

   Most people have zero self-confidence (real, actual, self-confidence). Yet they'll pretend to be confident. Even Mystery said:

   I'd rather have competence than confidence

   Have real competencies, real values, based on your own value hierarchy, and real confidence based upon it. Ask yourself what you have to prove, and to whom? And ask yourself what they're trying to prove, and to whom. See beyond the glow.

4. Do I care about what's happening inside their minds?

   Just because someone has shit inside their head doesn't mean you have a duty to clean it up. Because really, face it, that's exactly what you're trying to do when you try to change someone's mind, even when you know it won't actually affect your reality. Beware of second-handers, and don't be one.

5. Are their emotions relevant?

   GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we could go?

   JERRY: George, the man wept. [considers that a decisive argument that closes the discussion]

   – Seinfeld, S01E04

   Just because other people's emotions are real and you can empathize with them doesn't mean they're relevant. Maybe they are, but not necessarily. Someone being very very sad because you killed a monster, or because they dropped their frankfurter, does not have the same value as someone being sad or angry because their family just got massacred.

Is a lack of empathy the root of all evil?

I think it's more subtle than that. Let's clarify a few things:

Types of empathy

• Emotional empathy

  Being around people who feel a certain way, you'll feel a certain way.

• Rational empathy

  You try to imagine yourself in the other person's situation, then ask yourself what you would feel.

• Fake empathy

  Some situations you cannot imagine yourself in. For instance, as a man, there are a lot of woman-specific situations I'll never find myself in. Thus, I can't really ever empathize with how they feel. Women will say "oh, you can't undestand". Indeed, I can't. So, what do you expect me to do? Pretend I can? Or accept at face value whatever capricious, random and frivolous whim you feel?

Empathy filters

1. Empathy, perceiving the information of other people's feelings.
2. Your personal value system.
3. 1 filtered by 2 leading to your actions.

If you have no personal value system and strong empathy, you'll be an emotional sponge, a second-hander, irrational, letting other people's emotions dictate your life.

If you have no personal value system and weak empathy, you'll be a psychopath.

Even autism is being redefined as lack of empathy filters, not lack of empathy.

Inner game is all about being able to perceive what others feel, and filter it through your own value system, whether we're talking about rational analytical empathy or instinctive subconscious emotional response. Instead of merely mirroring other people's emotions, this will actually allow you to analyze them, and, should you choose to do so, offer them valuable advice, helping them reframing their own issues.